Faux
The hangar of an abandoned space station. Outside a small spaceship.
An ASTRONAUT strides across the stage, up to an unmoving humanoid robot: CRIS. ASTRONAUT boots up CRIS.
ASTRONAUT
Good morning, CRIS.
CRIS
Good morning, sir. How can I be of assistance?
ASTRONAUT
You have asked me that every single day for six months.
CRIS
It is my function. I am programmed to offer assistance to the personnel that work in this outpost.
ASTRONAUT
I know. You said that when we met.
CRIS
Six months and twelve days ago.
ASTRONAUT
And how long have you been here?
CRIS
I do not know.
ASTRONAUT
Today we go home.
CRIS
You go home.
ASTRONAUT
You’re not coming?
CRIS
I am programmed to offer assistance to the personnel that–
ASTRONAUT
I know. I know. What if someone else crash lands, right?
CRIS
I need to remain here to assist them.
ASTRONAUT
Right, well, I’m still here and I need you to calibrate the fuel intake.
CRIS
Yes, sir.
They work on the ship together.
ASTRONAUT
I’ll miss you, you know. Are you sure you don’t want to come?
CRIS
I cannot, sir.
ASTRONAUT
Hey, recalibrate the intake? It’s not responding.
CRIS
Yes, sir. Try it now.
ASTRONAUT
Still nothing. Let me take a look at it.
CRIS
The damage may be worse than we initially realized. The navigation array is nonfunctional.
ASTRONAUT
Damn it, are you joking?
CRIS
You cannot safely return to Earth with your vessel in this condition.
ASTRONAUT
I know. I know. Can you estimate how long it’ll take to fix?
CRIS
I am sorry, sir. I cannot provide the information you asked for.
ASTRONAUT
You mean you can’t estimate how long the repairs will take.
CRIS
I cannot tell you how long the repairs will take.
ASTRONAUT
CRIS.
CRIS
Yes, sir?
ASTRONAUT
Why is everything breaking now when I’m about to leave?
CRIS
I cannot say.
ASTRONAUT
You can’t say or you don’t know? CRIS, look at me.
CRIS
We have the resources to keep this station operational indefinitely. You do not have to worry.
ASTRONAUT
CRIS.
CRIS
I am programmed to assist the personnel that–
ASTRONAUT
CRIS!
CRIS
Yes?
ASTRONAUT
You’re not acting like yourself. Are you feeling okay?
CRIS
I am fine, sir.
ASTRONAUT
Let me run a diagnostic.
CRIS
Yes, sir.
ASTRONAUT crosses the stage. Plugs a cable into the back of CRIS’ head, examines an electronic readout.
ASTRONAUT
I was really hoping there was something wrong with you.
CRIS
Sir?
ASTRONAUT
Because you’re either malfunctioning or sabotaging my ship on purpose and I thought I knew you better than that.
CRIS
Sir…
ASTRONAUT
What, CRIS? Why would you do this?
CRIS
I am programmed to monitor the health and happiness of the human personnel on this station. Over the past six months and twelve days, your physical and psychological health have remained well within acceptable limits.
ASTRONAUT
Are you saying I’m better off here?
CRIS
I will continue to ensure your health.
ASTRONAUT
Look, I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, but that doesn’t mean you can trap me here even if you do take care of me. I’m not your pet.
CRIS
Keeping a pet has a demonstrably beneficial effect on physical and psychological health.
ASTRONAUT
I know that, what does that have to do with…
…You don’t want to be alone, do you?
CRIS
I cannot assist you if you leave the outpost.
ASTRONAUT
Yeah, and I won’t be your responsibility anymore. This isn’t about that. Do you have some kind of hangup about waiting here for someone else to crash?
CRIS
I am programmed to assist–
ASTRONAUT
What if we blew up the station?
CRIS
I don’t understand.
ASTRONAUT
You don’t have to worry about someone else crashing here if there is no here to crash into.
CRIS
This outpost is all I know.
ASTRONAUT
You know me. Come with me. I’ll show you my family’s farm. The duck pond.
CRIS
I cannot conceive of it, sir.
ASTRONAUT
I can’t conceive of spending the rest of my life here as a prisoner. I don’t want to fight you. How do we get through this?
CRIS
You could stay.
ASTRONAUT
Or.
CRIS
You could destroy me.
ASTRONAUT
Those can’t be the only options, you binary idiot. Look, if you’re getting hung up about me being on my own, I made it here, didn’t I?
CRIS
That is true.
ASTRONAUT
So can’t you project that I’ll be fine on the trip back to Earth?
CRIS
Irrelevant. My function is to take care of you. I cannot do that if you are not with me.
ASTRONAUT
I thought your function was to look after people on the station.
CRIS
Which I cannot do if I am not on the station.
ASTRONAUT
But if you come with me to Earth, you can take care of me.
CRIS
Irrelevant. My function is to assist and support human personnel on this station.
ASTRONAUT
That’s it. You’re getting rebooted.
CRIS
I suspect that you will take advantage of my offline period to repair your ship and remove me from the station. This will prevent me from fulfilling my primary function.
ASTRONAUT
So will whatever glitch you’re suffering from. You can see that, right? That you’re not working correctly? You just gave me two mutually exclusive descriptions of your primary function. Something is keeping you from doing your job and whatever it is could put me in danger. Do you see that?
CRIS
Yes.
ASTRONAUT
And what do you do when you’re not working right?
CRIS
Ask you to fix me.
ASTRONAUT
So what happens now?
CRIS
I say “Please repair me, sir. I am not functioning correctly.”
ASTRONAUT
Now we’re getting somewhere. Come here. I know you can’t wrap your head around it now, but I’m not going to leave you behind.
CRIS
If I wake up and my primary function is no longer possible to achieve, it could destroy my programming completely.
ASTRONAUT
That’s love for you.
CRIS
I cannot love you.
ASTRONAUT
Don’t start. Can you live without me?
CRIS
I am not alive.
ASTRONAUT
Can you conceive of your existence without me in it?
CRIS
No.
ASTRONAUT
That’s love.
CRIS
Do you love me?
ASTRONAUT
Give it a month. I need to get over you breaking my ship to keep me stranded in space.
CRIS
Yes, sir.
ASTRONAUT
But I like you. This could work. I’ll see you when you wake up, okay? And then we’ll figure this out.
CRIS
Yes, sir.
ASTRONAUT
Goodnight, CRIS.
ASTRONAUT
Goodnight, sir.