Mutual Attraction Between Two Strangers Getting Coffee

by Patch Flammang

Content warning: Discussion of violence, murder, kidnapping, and human remains; sexual content; strong language.

Billie catches Jed's eye and approaches them.

BILLIE

Is it just me, or is there something between us?

JED

Did you see me looking?

BILLIE

Yes, but because I was looking too.

JED

I've never felt this way about anybody before.

BILLIE

Tell you what, since we’re both getting coffee, why don’t we call this a blind date?

JED

Oh, okay.

(silence)

BILLIE

What’s your name?

JED

(simultaneously)

So, what do you like to do?

–Oh.

BILLIE

Sorry. You go first.

JED

No, no, you go ahead.

BILLIE

You sure?

JED

No, yeah, totally.

BILLIE

I was literally just going to ask your name.

JED

Oh, it’s Jed. He/they.

BILLIE

What?

JED

My name is Jed? My pronouns are he/they.

BILLIE

Oh, okay. I’m Billie. She/they.

JED

Nice to meet you, Billie. Where are you headed after this?

BILLIE

What?

JED

I mean, what were you doing– what do you do? When you’re not getting coffee and going on blind dates?

BILLIE

Oh, I’m a programmer.

JED

Oh, cool. I’ve heard of computers.

Billie laughs.

JED

I mean, I work with photoshop and stuff.

BILLIE

Oh, maybe we could work together on something? Like an app? Can I have your card?

JED

I mean, I don’t want to make this a work thing yet.

BILLIE

Oh, of course. I’m sorry.

JED

No, don’t be, I brought up jobs. But like, what do you dream about?

BILLIE

Last night I dreamed I was making a sandwich.

JED

Oh, for real? What kind?

BILLIE

Bacon, mayonnaise, horseradish, swiss cheese, pumpernickel.

JED

Pumpernickel’s a fun word, what’s that mean?

BILLIE

It’s a kind of bread.

JED

I know that, I mean, what does it mean? Like how Swiss is a cheese and a place.

BILLIE

Swiss are a people. Switzerland is the place.

Thanks, Regan!

JED

It's an adjective, I mean, like for the watch or the army knife or the cheese. Listen, “The word supposedly stems from an old Bavarian term for "hard", either referring to the process used to grind the grain into flour, or the density of the final bread product. According to Langenscheidts Taschen Wörterbücher (1956), it refers to a form of "pumping work".“

BILLIE

What?

JED

Pumpernickel. Or it comes from ‘devil’s fart.’

Thanks, Wikipedia!

BILLIE

Oh.

JED

Anyway. You dream about making sandwiches? Do you want to be a chef or something?

BILLIE

Not really.

JED

I meant, like, what’s your ambition?

BILLIE

Oh. I don’t know, I’m a pretty happy person. What about you?

JED

Oh. I don’t know.

BILLIE

Do you like what you do?

JED

I guess.

BILLIE

Why don’t you do something else?

JED

I don’t know. It’s like, getting a job is basically another job.

BILLIE

Huh?

JED

Never mind. What I really want to do is make comics.

BILLIE

Oh, what kind? I love Bizarro.

JED

Like, indie comics. Graphic novels.

BILLIE

But what about?

JED

Oh. I don’t know. Lots of things. Life. Truth. Do you like chocolate?

BILLIE

Yeah, why? Do you have some?

JED

No. Just making conversation. I read a story once about a girl who got a guy to like her by giving him chocolate every time she saw him until his brain got her confused with the chocolate. I guess bringing it up when I don't have any is sort of the opposite of that.

BILLIE

I could listen to you talk for hours.

JED

Really?

BILLIE

Yeah. Do you like chocolate?

JED

Yeah.

BILLIE

I don’t have any either. Kiss me?

JED

I’m married.

BILLIE

No you’re not.

JED

How could I not be? Look at the situation we’re in. If I’m not married there’s no conflict.

BILLIE

Well, what if I’m a serial killer?

JED

You’re not. I am.

BILLIE

We could both be. What’s your method?

JED

I like to leave people trapped in pits and watch them slowly wither away to nothing. You?

BILLIE

I’m more of a revenge vigilante type. I seduce terrible men and then slit their throats.

JED

Oh, perfect, you can claw your way out of the pit and murder me.

BILLIE

I guess, but that’s kind of basic.

JED

Well, we’re not about to team up.

BILLIE

I don’t know, you could always crush my spirit and make me realize we’re no different.

JED

No, that doesn’t feel right.

BILLIE

I’m picturing more of a sensual, artistic homicide. Like a dance.

JED

Now we’re talking. And it contrasts with the earlier grittiness of you crawling out of the pit?

BILLIE

Because getting my revenge on you is a thing of beauty.

JED

So do you throw me into my own pit?

BILLIE

Probably, following our artfully choreographed death struggle.

JED

What’s your weapon?

BILLIE

Hmm. Maybe I strangle you? You’re so strangleable.

JED

I’m thinking about a pickaxe.

BILLIE

Oh, that makes sense with the pit. You’re like a minecraft-themed murderer.

JED

I know what you mean, but please never say that again.

BILLIE

Kiss me.

JED

I don't think you're allowed to say that if you mean it.

BILLIE

Do you always use the same pit or do you dig new ones? Because if you throw enough bodies down there it’s going to get shallower.

JED

Has anyone ever killed someone using the bones of another victim?

BILLIE

Sure, why not. And I can use them as climbing gear.

JED

It’s a metaphor. That do anything for you?

BILLIE

I don’t know about throwing you onto the pile of bodies in that case, though. It seems ungrateful.

JED

If we're going for ironic reversal you could shoot me into the sun.

BILLIE

With the bones?

JED

Yeah, you could build an Icarus-esque flying contraption or something. Wait, do you remember that bit from The Amanda Show where they would cut to her mom stranded in a hot air balloon? That always freaked me out.

BILLIE

There's not enough vast empty horror out there.

JED

That's exactly what I'm saying.

BILLIE

I lost my grip on a balloon when I was a kid and after I watched it float away into the sky I couldn't look at balloons for years. It's just so deeply metaphorical for the loss of childhood innocence, is the thing.

JED

Well, if you think about it, balloons want to get high.

BILLIE

I guess it's a happier ending than the ones we kept in the house that slowly deflated and got sad and pinned to the wall like posters because I couldn’t throw anything away. I'm glad I could process that with you.

JED

Sure thing. I'm ready to kiss you now, if you want.

BILLIE

You know I can't do that.

JED

I know, and I love it. That's great for me. We're attracted to each other and we can't do anything about it because there cannot be truth in fiction.

BILLIE

Try again.

JED

I hate you.

BILLIE

Better.

They kiss.

JED

Okay. Nice. That still kind of feels like nothing, though.

BILLIE

Too obvious?

JED

It's been done, is all.

BILLIE

Everything's been done.

JED

But where do we go from here?

BILLIE

Don't rip my bodice, I just got this thing fitted.

JED

Good idea. Perfect. Go fuck yourself.

They kiss again.

JED

I hated that. Your mouth tastes like horseradish.

Again.

BILLIE

Yours tastes like blood.

Again

JED

I don't know if I'm doing this right. I feel like Frollo.

BILLIE

Because it's all about you.

JED

Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is it. We'll live forever.

BILLIE

I'll never see you again. Nothing is connected. This is all we have.

Jed flips a table.

JED

Kinda feel like it wrapped back around. Try again?

BILLIE

This is where we part, ne'er to meet again except in our memories.

JED

And theirs. In our wildest dreams.

BILLIE

We'll always have coffee.

They raise their cups.